Addicted to pain

Hi Everyone ! :)

So....i think i'm definitely addicted to pain ! I mean... when i was young my father hit me...everytime he had a chance to it. So i "had" the pain by that way. When i get older i get that feeling by the molestation. It didn't really hurt...not for my body. I felt the pain in my soul. I mean...i've trusted him...so...when i starved myself i felt the pain too....but know...there is no pain. When i felt the pain i felt that i'm alive. My dad made sure that i don't deserve nothing only if  i "work" for it. So if i made a " mistake" for example : i didn't put something to its place, or got a "B" in school, i payed the price...

Now talking with this guy... sometimes i want him to hurt me. I mean not to hit me of course, because NOBODY can hurt me ANYMORE !!! And other times...i want to destroy him... He make sure that he doesn't want "just" having a coffee with me... Well thank my dear...i'm not a.... however...it would be perfectly simple....but i'm MORE THAN THIS !!!! I think....no I KNOW i'm going to see my psychiatrist again !

I love you guys !!! Feel free to contact with me anytime! xxx