Hi Everyone !
I don't know what's going on. In the morning everything was alright. But as day continued my mood went down. So down. Right now i would like to go to sleep ! I am sleepy and feeling tired. Like i've walked miles but of course i don't. Maybe this is the depression itself ?
I have a " stepsister" and her great - grandmother died yesterday. Her funeral will be tomorrow. I should go, but i haven't decided yet. I love/loved her so much. We were friends dispite the big age difference. But tomoroww will be cold ( too ). I don't know will i have energy to stand on my feet for a long time. However my father said that my brother will be bring us home almost right after the funeral. So the whole " event" won't be long. I don't really now...
Uggghh... i get tired for just eating and sitting. I am not so social...but being home all day long and just eat... I should focus for the positive. I can't understand things... i eat and i have more energy than before of course, but still don't REALLY have energy. Have you got any suggestion ? Right now i feel fat. I feel like I'm as big as when i started my diet. I know i'm not. I know i'm skinny. But dispite all... i feel that !
Yesterday after a good hot bath i took a picture about myself. I will post it beacuse i feel i have to share it with you guys. Please feel free to share your opinion with me ALL HONESTLY ! Warning this could be triggering for someone !!!
I don't know what's going on. In the morning everything was alright. But as day continued my mood went down. So down. Right now i would like to go to sleep ! I am sleepy and feeling tired. Like i've walked miles but of course i don't. Maybe this is the depression itself ?
I have a " stepsister" and her great - grandmother died yesterday. Her funeral will be tomorrow. I should go, but i haven't decided yet. I love/loved her so much. We were friends dispite the big age difference. But tomoroww will be cold ( too ). I don't know will i have energy to stand on my feet for a long time. However my father said that my brother will be bring us home almost right after the funeral. So the whole " event" won't be long. I don't really now...
Uggghh... i get tired for just eating and sitting. I am not so social...but being home all day long and just eat... I should focus for the positive. I can't understand things... i eat and i have more energy than before of course, but still don't REALLY have energy. Have you got any suggestion ? Right now i feel fat. I feel like I'm as big as when i started my diet. I know i'm not. I know i'm skinny. But dispite all... i feel that !
Yesterday after a good hot bath i took a picture about myself. I will post it beacuse i feel i have to share it with you guys. Please feel free to share your opinion with me ALL HONESTLY ! Warning this could be triggering for someone !!!
I gave a named for this picture:
" Please, don't hurt me anymore !"by my body.
I will post more later ! :)
This is everything together: your body is VERY weak, too little energy, the grief over your relative, depression....that's why you're feeling the way you're feeling!!!
VálaszTörlésSo sorry about your relative, I'm really deeply sorry and feel with you!
About the funeral: so what you FEEL like. No obligations, it's YOUR choice. Follow your HEART:))
Okay, about the picture, I admit it's triggering, but you're allowed to post whatever you want on your blog and as you're not promoting anorexia...I'll just try to shut my voices in my head down and think REASONABLY;)
So: YOU'RE NOT FAT. YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT.YOU'RE NOT FAT!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for highlighting this :D but you need to COMPLETELY trust others here and believe what I wrote above. You know it yourself anyway, deep down. LISTEN TO THAT honest VOICE DEEP DOWN!!!! I used to feel EXACTLY like you then - 'fat'. It was probably pretty much all I felt. (Still often do, though I'm definitely not fat according to everyone else and according to my own reason)
BE ASSURED that this 'fat' feel is a FEELING, NOT A FACT!!! It's thoughts....simply nasty thoughts that would make you feel miserable if you listened to them. Slowly, you need to learn to shut them out and listen to the reasonable voice inside you. You'll relearn that, it will get stronger. You'll get stronger. Trust me!! I know it is difficult to trust others, but I would never want any harm for you!! I see things from a different perspective than you, I've been through everything you're going through right now and I wish that you feel like trusting me because I want the best for you with all my heart!!!
I am SO PROUD of you about how strong you are, you're doing great!! I'm not just saying that, I honestly am impressed and so happy that you're carrying on with recover. Please always do.
At the moment it seems pretty dull, horrifying, maybe pointless to 'just eat and sit at home'. It's your PERCEPTION. You're not really doing 'just that.' YOU'RE RECOVERING. That's the right word or phrase for it...
Please carry on with it, it won't do any harm to you, it won't hurt you, you'll be proud of yourself one day that you did that!!!
Alright then....I hope I could give you a little encouragement...no matter what, I'm really proud of you!
And please consider seeking help from professionals. Talk to your parents. There MUST be a way, I deeply believe in that!!! Everything would be much easier if you had professional assistance you know....
All the best:) <3
xxx
Thank you for commenting ! For feeling with me. :)
TörlésMy parents help me a lot! And you guys too ! By giving advices, showing comments and so on :). So here for me actually ! :) I am here for you too ! :)
I didn't posted that picture about me because "pro-ana" but because i want to show to everyone what ( can ) this disaese make with you/your body.
I have to be strong ! Giving up is NOT AN OPTION for anyone !!!!!!
Best wishes !
xxx
Anytime:) Awww I'm very grateful to your parents for that:) It's good to have their support! For me, I only had my mum, my dad never wanted to acknowledge I had a problem...but then we always used to have difficulties with each other...he's a very difficult person:( But it hurts a little:/
TörlésThank you for being there too!! I have this feeling you're making me stronger too:) Though it is a tiny little bit triggering (I openly admit that) with me, you basically achieve giving that message how bad this illness is!! It makes me feel I never want to go back there... so thank you:) You're an inspiring person, I want you to know that!!! I the good way!!!
Nope, giving up is NOT an option!!!! For neither of us!!!For noone!!:)
xxx
How did the eating go today, sweetie?
VálaszTörlésIt's important that you keep recording what you eat everyday. We're always working on that, don't forget! :)
I try to push myself to the limits ! And really focus on my body and what it want !
TörlésKeep recording is really helpful and useful as well !!
How about you ?
xxx
Right now your body is just getting used to eating. To getting food. And the energy is just being used to keeping you alive. What you eat, is just enough to keep you breathing, moving, alive.
VálaszTörlésYou are doing your body a good thing. And in time you will have more energy... but for now, your body is repairing its self again.
And remember, 'fat' is just a feeling. It doesnt mean its true. You are extremly skinny, too skinny. And that isnt a compliment. I know you are doing a great job. Just never give up. Dont give anorexia more control.
Everyday challenge yourself. Try eating something new. Or doing somethign that might give you anxiety... the anxiety wont kill you. It just makes you stronger.
Keep strong girl, i know you can do it.
Hugs xx