Hi Everyone ! :)
No...i'm not disappeared ! :) A lot of things happened !!
I gave an interview for a TV channel about anorexia. About my story. I was soooo excited !! The interview went really well thank God !! :) I've watched old photos about myself before the interview. I wondered that "was i sick enough to tell people about this illness ?". Than i stopped thinking about it. There is no " sick enough"!!! I was sick. I'm still sick actually... After the interview my old schoolmates wrote to me. They said that they are respect me and i miss them in the university ! My family members were proud of me too that i doing really well. Or i did...
My brothers' birthday will be in Tuesday !!! Yay!!! :) He will be 19 years old!!! Oh my...i'm so proud of him!! :) As my parents had divorced we celebrate my brothers' birthday in two different days. On Monday we will be at my dads' place. And we are also going to celebrate my dads' nameday. Of course the celebration including the dinner... * sighs* in front of everybody... and yes... my dad ordered a birthday cake for my brother. I'm not sure that i will be there. I mean i will say " Happy nameday dad!" but i think i won't stay for the rest of day. My dad and i had a...well call it conversation. He said i have NO CONTROL over this situation. ( he meant over my ED.). And i was like WHAT ???!!! I have no control ?? Okay dad... than i won't stay for dinner and act like everything is all right ! Because it is not !! And i will do it because I HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS SITUATION !! :P. I'm not that little girl who did almost anything to please her father !! No more... And THAT IS RIGHT !!!
Another thing is that... i relapsed a bit. I haven't eaten well in the past week. I lost a few kilogramms i think. I don't weight myself so...my mum said that i will need to stand on the scale tomorrow morning...Great. She said that i look pale. The colour of my skin is unhealthy. My bones start to visible again. She wonders that am i 40kgs still ? if i'm not that means i'm in lifedanger again... I don't know what is happening !! My mother asked me that why i'm doing it ? I said that i feel better. But that is not the truth...i mean yes i feel better somehow...but this is not when i'm REALLY FEEL BETTER. I mean i almost stopped smiling again...i can't sleep again. Some of my " fear food" started to come back. ( I know maybe it sounds stupid this is what happening). I know that I WILL GET BETTER !! Just it is hard now!! But don't worry ! :)
Take Care!! Stay Strong !! Keep fighting !!!!!!!!! :) xxx
No...i'm not disappeared ! :) A lot of things happened !!
I gave an interview for a TV channel about anorexia. About my story. I was soooo excited !! The interview went really well thank God !! :) I've watched old photos about myself before the interview. I wondered that "was i sick enough to tell people about this illness ?". Than i stopped thinking about it. There is no " sick enough"!!! I was sick. I'm still sick actually... After the interview my old schoolmates wrote to me. They said that they are respect me and i miss them in the university ! My family members were proud of me too that i doing really well. Or i did...
My brothers' birthday will be in Tuesday !!! Yay!!! :) He will be 19 years old!!! Oh my...i'm so proud of him!! :) As my parents had divorced we celebrate my brothers' birthday in two different days. On Monday we will be at my dads' place. And we are also going to celebrate my dads' nameday. Of course the celebration including the dinner... * sighs* in front of everybody... and yes... my dad ordered a birthday cake for my brother. I'm not sure that i will be there. I mean i will say " Happy nameday dad!" but i think i won't stay for the rest of day. My dad and i had a...well call it conversation. He said i have NO CONTROL over this situation. ( he meant over my ED.). And i was like WHAT ???!!! I have no control ?? Okay dad... than i won't stay for dinner and act like everything is all right ! Because it is not !! And i will do it because I HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS SITUATION !! :P. I'm not that little girl who did almost anything to please her father !! No more... And THAT IS RIGHT !!!
Another thing is that... i relapsed a bit. I haven't eaten well in the past week. I lost a few kilogramms i think. I don't weight myself so...my mum said that i will need to stand on the scale tomorrow morning...Great. She said that i look pale. The colour of my skin is unhealthy. My bones start to visible again. She wonders that am i 40kgs still ? if i'm not that means i'm in lifedanger again... I don't know what is happening !! My mother asked me that why i'm doing it ? I said that i feel better. But that is not the truth...i mean yes i feel better somehow...but this is not when i'm REALLY FEEL BETTER. I mean i almost stopped smiling again...i can't sleep again. Some of my " fear food" started to come back. ( I know maybe it sounds stupid this is what happening). I know that I WILL GET BETTER !! Just it is hard now!! But don't worry ! :)
Take Care!! Stay Strong !! Keep fighting !!!!!!!!! :) xxx
That sounds really cool with the TV interview :) How did it feel to talk about being sick?
VálaszTörlésI know how easy it is to relapse, and its easy to lie to yourself. To tell yourself that you are fine and have control... but that usually isnt the way. Your mum is just worried about you, and doesnt want anything bad to happen to you. Dont think of it as a bad thing, try to accept her support?
There have been many times when i relapsed, and my mum noticed, saying things like, my bones were more visible, i was eating less, exercising more, but as i was at Mando she didnt really want to do anything, like talk to me about it.
You have to be strong now... and do things right. I know its not easy. But start with just eating 3small meals... or eating everything on your plate. Try to think positive.... dont let the thoughts bring you down. Try to do something fun, or plan something so that you have something to look forward to. And remind yourself that food isnt dangerous, food isnt scary.Its energy, and everybody needs energy.
Didnt you write and say that you felt you had more energy? That you were allowed to go for walks? You dont want to lose that, do you? You arent fat, and you will never be fat. So dont let the voice tell you that...
Keep strong. You can write to me whenever if you need support or advice :) xx
Thank you dear Izzy !!! :) Yes i have a lot of freedom. But i can't let the control go somehow... Well thank you !! :) I will write you !!! xxx
VálaszTörlés