Hello Everyone ! :)
Okay guys i'm sooooo excited beacuse it's my father's birthday ! My relationship with him is quite difficult. First and most important thing that i LOVE my Dad so much!!! He loves me and my brother as well!!! I mean I was ( am I ? ) "Daddy's little princess". He raised me up in a spirit which say.: " You can do anything if you work hard for it !". You know... i'm the first born chlid in the family and a girl. Guess what is it mean ? Yes... Extreme love, extreme attention and extreme pressure on me. I mean i feel i had a lot of pressure on me. My Dad was always there for me. Just like nowadays. If i ask him to do something he " throw away everything and go for it". In a realistic way of course. My brother and i used to get almost everything what we asked for. But if my parents thought that we don't need this or that we haven't get it and that was right ! I'm so thankful them for this ( too ). We had/have to learn and work hard. We behaved good most of the time. The " bad behave" wasn't allowed. For those who looked our family as a strange seemed so perfect. Actually...the perfect family. What i felt being in this family ? That will be another post.
I went to my Dad today and give him the presents. I'm glad he glad ! We talked and i think he started to get what this illness is all about. Maybe... i hope so. :)
So in the past few days i try to eat. Some days i managed it, others not. I chose my " safe" foods most of the time. I try to eat "just" every 3-4 hours or more. I drank a lot of water and throw away some food. Sooo... I get bored. I get angry so fast. I'm over exercised. Then something happened last night. I choose the same food as "usual". I get tired that i know that it will take me so long to eat, and after the feel of full... I started to cry and say to my mum that i didn't what i want. ' Cause i would prefer another thing not that, i only choose it because it hasn't got as much calories as my wished one. She said OK, i will wake up and cook it for you now. I said ok, than no, than ok again and no again...Poor mum woke up three times in ten minutes. Finally she said.: " That's enough. Give me that bowl i'll do what you like right now!! While cooking watch or do something. And i will give it to you and you will eat it without saying anything ! ". So she cooked the meal and placed it in front of me. I eat that and what came after was horrible !!!! That anxiety....that guilty feeling!!! I felt i never want to eat anymore. I just wanted to get out that meal of me. I felt like i gain tones. I was very angry to myself and said i'm week. I fighted with myself so bad and so hard. I didn't throw it up. I couldn't fall asleep all i felt was the guilty. Somehow i fell asleep ( after i said to mum that i won't eat again ). I wake up so early i had some fight with my mum ( she had to go to work so she left a house after a while ). I went to the toilet, swichted the lights off and turn the radio on. I listened to a programme called " The Morning Show". I fell asleep again and when i wake up i went to the toilet again and had to stand up to the scale and i lost weight again. I smiled so much and said ok. I see i can do it. Now...I have to manage to rebuilt myself in a healthy way. I will put on weight, yes. But that is just a part of it. I will rebuilt myself slowly but surely ! With the help of my Mum, my Dad and God ! I have to say what i would like to have for each meals when i want it. I remind myself that food is good and my body and i need it. Slowly but surely i will get more energy and get back to real life ! Because I AM WORTH IT !! It will be very very hard. But i have people ( here as well, Izzy and The Girlfriend i love you guys ) to help. And i have God to help me. The pray help a lot !!!! Rememeber that ! :)
How are you guys ? Feel free to share anything with me ! :)
Okay guys i'm sooooo excited beacuse it's my father's birthday ! My relationship with him is quite difficult. First and most important thing that i LOVE my Dad so much!!! He loves me and my brother as well!!! I mean I was ( am I ? ) "Daddy's little princess". He raised me up in a spirit which say.: " You can do anything if you work hard for it !". You know... i'm the first born chlid in the family and a girl. Guess what is it mean ? Yes... Extreme love, extreme attention and extreme pressure on me. I mean i feel i had a lot of pressure on me. My Dad was always there for me. Just like nowadays. If i ask him to do something he " throw away everything and go for it". In a realistic way of course. My brother and i used to get almost everything what we asked for. But if my parents thought that we don't need this or that we haven't get it and that was right ! I'm so thankful them for this ( too ). We had/have to learn and work hard. We behaved good most of the time. The " bad behave" wasn't allowed. For those who looked our family as a strange seemed so perfect. Actually...the perfect family. What i felt being in this family ? That will be another post.
I went to my Dad today and give him the presents. I'm glad he glad ! We talked and i think he started to get what this illness is all about. Maybe... i hope so. :)
So in the past few days i try to eat. Some days i managed it, others not. I chose my " safe" foods most of the time. I try to eat "just" every 3-4 hours or more. I drank a lot of water and throw away some food. Sooo... I get bored. I get angry so fast. I'm over exercised. Then something happened last night. I choose the same food as "usual". I get tired that i know that it will take me so long to eat, and after the feel of full... I started to cry and say to my mum that i didn't what i want. ' Cause i would prefer another thing not that, i only choose it because it hasn't got as much calories as my wished one. She said OK, i will wake up and cook it for you now. I said ok, than no, than ok again and no again...Poor mum woke up three times in ten minutes. Finally she said.: " That's enough. Give me that bowl i'll do what you like right now!! While cooking watch or do something. And i will give it to you and you will eat it without saying anything ! ". So she cooked the meal and placed it in front of me. I eat that and what came after was horrible !!!! That anxiety....that guilty feeling!!! I felt i never want to eat anymore. I just wanted to get out that meal of me. I felt like i gain tones. I was very angry to myself and said i'm week. I fighted with myself so bad and so hard. I didn't throw it up. I couldn't fall asleep all i felt was the guilty. Somehow i fell asleep ( after i said to mum that i won't eat again ). I wake up so early i had some fight with my mum ( she had to go to work so she left a house after a while ). I went to the toilet, swichted the lights off and turn the radio on. I listened to a programme called " The Morning Show". I fell asleep again and when i wake up i went to the toilet again and had to stand up to the scale and i lost weight again. I smiled so much and said ok. I see i can do it. Now...I have to manage to rebuilt myself in a healthy way. I will put on weight, yes. But that is just a part of it. I will rebuilt myself slowly but surely ! With the help of my Mum, my Dad and God ! I have to say what i would like to have for each meals when i want it. I remind myself that food is good and my body and i need it. Slowly but surely i will get more energy and get back to real life ! Because I AM WORTH IT !! It will be very very hard. But i have people ( here as well, Izzy and The Girlfriend i love you guys ) to help. And i have God to help me. The pray help a lot !!!! Rememeber that ! :)
How are you guys ? Feel free to share anything with me ! :)
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